Tomorrow, which is April 28th, is a special day to me. It was my father's birthday. He would have been 65 years old this year. We had a special relationship and I miss him dearly. I was very close to him when I was a small child. I remember riding around in his yellow Chevy truck listening to "Rhinestone Cowboy" and Blondie. Yes, he had varied taste in music! I also remember his affinity for Oreos and Squirt ~ well almost anything sweet really. Sometimes these memories seem to be only vague snapshots of my early childhood...almost from another life time. They are memories that I hold on to because when I think of them, I remember how happy I felt.
Unfortunately, my parents divorced when I was 8 years old. I don't know if it was the times, how things were in the early eighties, but it felt like he divorced all of us - my mom, my sister and myself. But the interesting thing is, I always knew that he loved my sister and me even though we rarely saw him. I remember trying to make those visits count, at least in my little kid's mind. I would hang on to the memories of seeing him and try to remember how it felt, how the air smelled, what the weather was like, etc. Seems silly now but it really did help.
My relationship with my Dad did not get strong again until I was an adult. He was present at the "rights of passage" that happened in my life - high school graduation and my wedding. During my young adulthood we would chat every so often on the phone and catch up. But after the birth of my first child, Kaitlyn, I noticed a huge shift in my relationship with him. He was visiting my grandmother, his mother, and I wanted him to meet Kaitlyn. After he met her we started talking every other week. Over time we started to have long discussions about almost anything and everything. I am so grateful for those talks that we had. I had a lot of questions answered and it gave me a window into his perspective on life, his regrets and his hopes for the future. It made me realize that we are all broken people in some sense. We need to embrace our past, our present and our future. I wouldn't trade this time for anything!
About a week after his 60th birthday he had a sudden and fatal heart attack. Just like that, he was gone. Gone were my hopes and dreams of him being able to watch my children grow up...to see my sister find the man of her dreams and start a family. I like to believe that he is still with us as we carry him in our hearts. I would also like to think that he somehow can see what is happening in our lives and can somehow share in our joys and sorrows. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him...kinda of like when I was a little kid. On days, like his birthday, it may sound crazy but I think I can feel his presence near me.
As an adult, he taught me a lot about life. How to mend relationships, to embrace your brokenness, how to find out who you really are and what you believe in. During the last few years of his life he decided to go back to his roots. He was raised on a ranch and he missed that lifestyle. He bought a horse boarding facility and a few horses. He loved taking care of the horses and the boarders, rescuing abandoned and abused horses and also teaching Western horse back riding lessons to kids and adults alike. My Dad was finally and truly happy. I feel like his life had come full circle. It was after his death that I realized that is never too late to mend broken relationships and to do something that you love with your life no matter how old you are! It is because of him that I dove head first into learning all that I could about photography and to pursue the passion I had for photography. I hope that he would have been proud of me for that. I keep learning and try not to let my crazy, busy life or my fears get in the way of pursing my hopes and dreams.
Happy Birthday Dad! I hope that you are riding through the most beautiful meadow full of alpine flowers on your trusty horse, with a dog running along beside you. I will be listening for your bell.
The poem below was one of his favorite poems.
Just up the road from my home is a big field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop by to observe, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of the bigger horse will disclose that he is completely blind. His caring owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him in lush pastures. This alone is a miracle...
If you stand nearby and listen, you hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from a smaller horse in the field. Attached to the horse's halter is a small bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow. As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and the blind horse listens for the bell, then slowly walks to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray. When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally, looking back, making sure the blind friend isn't too far behind.
Like the kind owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away because we are not perfect or when we have problems or challenges. He watches over us- even bringing others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the helpless blind horse being guided by the ringing bells of those who God places in our lives. Other times we are like the guide-horse, helping others find the way home.
Good friends are like that... you may not always see them, but you know they are there. Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.
~Author Unknown
